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If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Velcro is a ripoff
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
Alright, I give up! I`ve listened to the song like 50 times now, and I still don`t know what the fox is saying!