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If anyone asks, I`m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.