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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.