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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.