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A wise man once said nothing.
I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
Don`t waste my timeline.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.