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Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.