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I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .