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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The difference between cars and whales is that whales can swim and cars can`t.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11, and birthday candles ... Do your damn job.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.