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Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.