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Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.