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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
It was all so different before everything changed.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!...Use your teeth!