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This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly Iām a big deal...
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.