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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.