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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
I grew up for this?
I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.