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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
Do you ever get that feeling that you are being watched? Because if it is bothering you, I can stop.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Know what this salad needs? A Big Mac.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.