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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
you know....I must be drop dead sexy because....cashiers are always checking me out….
I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Don´t be stupid, it´s not smart.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.