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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.