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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Lol at birds that walk places.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.