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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?