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I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.