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I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.