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I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
i dont drink any more and yet again i dont any less either
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.