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I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.