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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Todays hot tip: Boomerangs and Attention Deficit Disorder don`t mix.
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.