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You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?