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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
I work so hard for my gta V character to have a better life
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
There is no time to check time