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Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance daddy.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.