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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Walmart is one store where it is truly acceptable to shop in your pajamas.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
If you hold a 40oz bottle to your ear you can hear the ghetto.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.