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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
When I bust a move , it stays busted.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink at night.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn`t use Real dinosaurs.
I just don`t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....