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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
Dear Friday, I`m ready !!!
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.