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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.