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That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
I wonder if the two guys arguing over r2d2 and roadrunner ever get laid.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.