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Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry."
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.