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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and you’re trying to get it unstuck without using you’re hands.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?