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I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Own the day
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Find someone you`re good at.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here