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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
eHarmony should be more like Amazon “customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03?.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.