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The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
It would be cool if you heard a thunder bug a few seconds after you saw a lightning bug.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s ass to fall off.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.