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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
The Fourth of July was an annual reminder of how useless my dog would be in a war.?
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
My anger management class pisses me off
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.