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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Sh!t Sherlock Research Institute.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I’m in no shape to exercise.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…