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I`m still mad that video killed the radio star.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Marriage is for quitters
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.