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The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
If you are really bored, I recommend mass texting all of your exes "I`m ready to give it another shot" and then get ready for the ride of your life
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
Find someone you`re good at.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake