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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Bitch, you`re just like monday, nobody likes you -_-
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.