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If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.