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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
You`d be surprised at how many times I`ve gone home, when i hear someone tell me "Go hard or Go home".
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
Do you have to water a Pointsettia or do they die on their own?
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.