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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
That moment when being uncool, is cool
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.