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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
From now on, I will be replacing the word `sh*t` with `sugar` in my facebook statuses, so that I don`t come across as being so f*cking vulgar all the time.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
It must be very hard to be a Nigerian lawyer who specializes in international inheritance law.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!