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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.