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At least my motivation gets to sleep in.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
The point is... Is Imma hug you like a panda nd you`re gunna like it.!(: