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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
Instead of spending $2,000 on a purse, some of you ladies should use the money for therapy sessions.