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I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.