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Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
So I was thinking... since the kids get the Easter bunny, why shouldn`t I expect a visit from a Playboy bunny today?
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.