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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium