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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.