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Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
You tell me I`m crazy, the voices tell me I`m not. 4 against 1, so........
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
I was just thinking…Then I thought “why?”... So there will be no more thinking today.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
Don`t you just love it when you see someone who is photogenic, looks perfect in every picture but then when you see them in person you`re like EURGH God Damn! What happened to you in the last 24h!
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.