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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
I can`t understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women`s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.