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I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
My imaginary friend is bullying me.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?