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You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
I am the bestest at the English language...
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.